My Concerns for Dating Within My Race

My concerns for dating within my race are largely affected by my individual personality and expression. To be honest it has a lot more to do with who I am and my fear of rejection, rather than other Black people.

I am not what someone would call a “typical” Black person. It doesn’t mean that there is one monolithic way to be Black, but due to societal stereotypes, cultural pressure, lack or representation and the struggle of finding others who are likewise due to minority status, it is difficult sometimes to find other like minded Black people like me.

Because of the internet and my frequent attendance to cosplay comic and and anime conventions and I have had the fortunate opportunity and being able to be exposed to a wider pool of diverse nerds such as myself.

Even though I consider myself Pro-Black and Pro Black Love, all I feel that that means is that I support the assistance, empowerment and elevation of Black people because we are marginalized in society. Black love (love between Black people) is frequently absent from media or is negatively portrayed (a.k.a. deadbeat dad, welfare queen, abusive dad, gold-digging ratchet etc.)

I would say that personality wise the most important social status for me in a partner would be nerdy interests similar to mine. Cosplay and fandom is a large part of my interests and I would prefer to be with someone who already knows about that stuff and enjoys it thoroughly. Whether they are Black or not is not vital, but if they were a fellow Blerd (Black nerd) like me, then we would be able to share our likes and our cultural similarities. That is basically a double plus!

My concern for dating Black people is that throughout my life I have felt un-welcomed or uncomfortable in some Black spaces because I either didn’t know a lot of “Black stuff” that everyone in the room seemed to already know, or people made fun of my for my “White voice” or due to my middle class background I could not relate to many economic cultural differences. I’m barely ratchet at all, although I can have a few occasional ratchet moments, and I have a very low tolerance for ratchetness, probably even lower now due to the fact that I attended a ratchet HBCU.

If a partner is looking for someone who has seen all the “Black movies,” likes all the “Black Music” and thinks and follows “Black Thought” then that probably wouldn’t be me. Personally I don’t think most Black people would want to date me due to the fact that I just don’t fit the “Black personality.” It’s not that I think we are monolithic but I have encountered plenty of Blacks that have bought into the idea that in order to be truly united we must be monolithic or that there is only one type and one proper way to be a proper “Black person.”

I know preference wise I absolutely require that I date an educated Black person. I want a Black person who is an individual, not a follower. I would highly prefer to date a blerd who I can cosplay couple with at conventions. That would be an absolute dream to have a cosplay blerd partner OMG!

Most my boyfriends were Black of which I had very few, about two to be honest, and that was due to my environment, I was at an HBCU so Black people were everywhere. My first boyfriend, although he liked anime, was not a Blerd. He was not nearly as deeply into my interest as I was and so I couldn’t share it to the level that I desired.

I don’t need my partner to be an artist, but I would like my partner to attend my art exhibitions and art events that I attend.

As far as language acquisition? I would love to have a partner who speaks another language and/or has an accent. Black people are not solely American, but I could date a Black person from another country and learn about their culture.

Another concern I have is that there are homophobic Blacks and I already decided years ago that I would not hide my bisexuality from any partner I involve myself with. I decide to tell that up front so that if they reject me, it can be from the beginning and my feelings are spared a later more hurtful rejection.

My first boyfriend was uncomfortable with my bisexuality and told me honestly that he would have preferred that I wasn’t. When I told him he had to have a day to digest it and decide if he could handle that. Honestly, if I’m a loyal partner, I really didn’t understand what the big deal was. He was acting like I confessed that I had an STD or something.

He also had an issue with my Christianity or what he referred to as the “White Man’s religion.” I know that while there are very religious Blacks, there are also anti-religious Blacks who vehemently reject Christianity for various reasons: one being due to the historical atrocities committed during colonization and Christianization of Blacks who were enslaved.

Although I am aware of that terrible past, my Christianity is very important to me and a core value of my life. I want a partner that I can attend church with and share spiritual growth with. While some Christians see being LGBTQA as not in line with Christianity, that’s not how all Christians feel, and there are reconciling ministries and LGBTQA friendly churches who are accepting and welcoming.

The last concerns is mysogynoir and colorism. I don’t want to date a man that requires me to play a submissive role just because I am a woman and he is traditional. I’m not submissive. I don’t want to be submissive. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than subjugate myself to a role that is far beneath my potential. It doesn’t mean that I’m overbearing but I am dominant and if a partner can’t handle that, they are not strong enough to handle me in the first place. I’m strong so I want someone who is strong too.

Strong doesn’t necessarily mean someone has to be dominant, someone can be strong and submissive too. I don’t really need either trait, I just want someone who respects me, man or woman.

As far as colorism goes, I would be horrified if I found out that the person who is dating me is dating me solely because I’m a “light skinned, high yellow, red bone” and they only date that type and reject and insult dark skinned girls. I’m not co-signing that nonsense in the least. It’s true a partner could hide those true thoughts from me or simply state that light skinned is what they are attracted to most and it’s simply a preference. Still, even with that, I get a bit cringey. I’m a very open dater as far as skin complexion or race and I think it’s really silly and dumb to have those factors be barriers.

I also have a huge affinity for multicultural things. I love attending cultural events. If I encounter an “All Black Everything” Black person who only wants to do “Black stuff” that won’t work. I want to go to Latin nights at the club, the Chinese New Year Celebration, the Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival, etc. I love exploring other cultures especially those outside of my own like Latin and Asian. If they aren’t into that, it’ll be a problem, because I want to go to those events together. My first boyfriend would come, but he’d come reluctantly and honestly, that just defeated the purpose.

Yes, if you haven’t noticed, I have mentioned my ex several times. My three year on and off experience with him was quite awful, and yes, he was my first Black boyfriend, but I think that people who simply create blanket statements: I had a bad (insert race) boyfriend or girlfriend so I’ll no longer date (insert race) anymore are total fools. That was one guy, and him being Black wasn’t what made him bad, he was just a bad boyfriend period.

No, I haven’t had the best experiences with Black men in my life, even apart from him, but it’s been men in general I haven’t had good experiences with, not just Black ones.

And again that erases all the good ones, like my father whom I love! I have some very good brothers (not biological) that have really helped me throughout life.

Those pretty much sum up my concerns for dating within my race. If I think of anymore, I’ll add them.

Hope you enjoyed!

Keep on luvin’ ya sistas & brothas!


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