It’s Personal

I am person that mostly cares to present information and if people want to receive it cool, if not then cool.

Of course I have feelings about it and when I see that followers have increased I get excited but when they have decreased I don’t get down.

I actually don’t look for likes, I just get them, and I usually have the same people liking what I post every time I post something no matter what it is. These are my “loyal fans” if you will lol.

I think it’s important, especially artists, to post and write and draw what they feel and what means something to them even if other people won’t understand it.

After about 25+ blogs written I just got my first follower!

It’s one thing to stop by and read the blog when posted but it’s another to have a follower and that brought me a lot of joy.

Too many times have I felt in life that I have so much to say, too much to say and that most people don’t care to hear my point of view because it’s usually different from the majority.

If I am ever in a scenario of choosing “the red or blue pill” I choose purple a combination of the two, green, something else entirely or no pill when forced to an ultimatum.

I consider devil’s advocates sometimes and some people feel that’s an unethical thing to do. I think taking someone else’s feelings into consideration is vital and learning how to co-exist whether someone is right or wrong.

There are times feelings ought to be disregarded. All feelings should not be honored. Some feelings are hurt due to me living my life or acting out the rights that others want restricted for me. I can’t take those feelings into consideration unless it’s for safety if I’m in a dangerous environment where those feelings can turn into violent actions.

Do I want people to like and listen to me? Of course I do! But it’s something I’m not pressed about. I don’t lose sleep over people liking or disliking me. I do really appreciate feedback, when people tell me that they look up to me and that I have helped to encourage them through my example.

It’s not easy swimming upstream and being the different one all the time or taking on a leadership position. I very frequently take on leadership positions and it can be very intimidating.

During my time as founder and president of the UNITE multicultural organization at DSU I struggled in my leadership position because I had so much drama going on in my personal life that it threatened my leadership status. It is very hard to lead, especially as a woman, who is currently dating someone who disrespects her in front of her peers, even during meetings.

People were terribly confused as to why I was dating this individual when I was doing so many dynamic things on campus. I did often get frustrated, knowing that my accomplishments, my hard work and my emotional agony would not and very often go unrewarded.

I feel like I must play Wonder Woman all of the time, because when one builds a reputation for being a strong individual, others do not allow you to be any less who look up to you, even though you remain human, and there are those that would seek out to destroy a strong person.

As a woman I feel, what I find from some insecure men is the desire to conquer strong women, especially sexually. For some reason they get aroused by women who have strength and perhaps interpret it a how they might perform in the bedroom. Sometimes, it’s about securing their own dominance. Sometimes it’s about winning the best prize, the alpha woman.

Even though I am an alpha woman I unfortunately play the role of beta woman too often and it truly is beneath me.

I’m the one who has it going on but I don’t go around flaunting or bragging about it because I don’t have to. Unfortunately people don’t always value what I have to bring to the table and I hate getting blown of and disregarded because I know how valuable I am.

I felt that way in school with my professors. I felt that I had really good advice for the way that language acquisition should be taught and I would share my views which were very contrary to theirs. They did not take a liking to my boldness and rebellion.

One day I am going to create an excellent language learning program and do seminars at schools on how to better improve language acquisition.

I also abhor disappointment, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world for me along with regret and the feeling of betrayal.

I become a subsequent pessimist because I’d rather expect the worst and be surprised then hope and be let down.

I am also an intense self critic, and an perfectionist. These personality traits make life difficult to enjoy, because while other people can appreciate my talent and work, I almost always see the flaw.

People tell me how straight I draw lines, how well I cut without tracing, but in my mind, I can see where the line is off several millimeters and it bothers me. Every time I see the piece I see where the line should have been, could have been, ought to be and I mentally flog myself for not having put it there.

I do not like making any mistakes, I do not like being told about my mistakes and I do not like having to go back and correct my mistakes, but without that, I would never grow.

I do think that I am right most of the time but I am satisfied in keeping those feelings to myself. I feel no need to prove that I am right to anyone. I used to have a high need to prove it when I was younger but I’ve since let that go. I noticed how it would control my actions and I would lose sleep over people disagreeing with me. That only hurts me.

I have had my militant and extreme days.

They are not in action but in thought.

What has become a popular disagreement is whether people can remain friends over political differences.

I can’t be nor want to be friends with someone who is against my own civil rights, let alone my own existence as a free willed human being.

I have struggled with some friendships due to the fact that I am part of the LGBTQ community and every time I make a new friend I wonder what category they will be put in: An LGBTQ friendly corner where I can full express myself and my life or the Anti Corner where I can only discuss part of my life?

I shouldn’t have to do that and I am friends will some individuals who are against it but we have decided not to discuss it. At the same time, being a Black person, I wouldn’t be expected to remain friends with someone who is racist, so why am I expected to remain friends with people who are against homosexuality?

I understand that race and sexual orientation are two different things, but both are *in essence* a state of being that cannot be changed.

If I can’t even share a possible same sex relationship with someone I consider a friend because they will feel “uncomfortable” discussing it, that’s an issue.

If I can’t even invite a “friend” to my wedding or cry on their shoulder when I’m broken up with, that’s an issue.

And what really blows me is this: if I got pregnant out of wedlock, people would still come to my baby shower, if I had premarital sex people would still come to my wedding, if I committed adultery I would be forgiven and people would probably come to my second wedding.

So it really, truly irks me that there are still individuals that hold homosexuality as the worst most nefarious sin that any human can commit, even over murder or pedophilia.

I’ll never understand that kind of thinking. Never. I don’t care to either.

I have been a past people pleaser and destroyed myself in the process. I have tried to wear many masks around different friends to be accepted. When I meet people I try to gauge just how much of myself they can handle.

I don’t think anyone on this Earth can handle the true me at 100%.

I’m always too much for people. I’m too much for myself. I have a personal condition that causes that overwhelming overflow, but it’s too personal to share.

I have suffered greatly in life due to it, and because of it, it’s very hard to relax or slow down. My brain is always going too quickly for me to catch up, which is one of the reasons I ramble or get too hyped up.

It’s almost as if the words and ideas come as this creative storm, and I cannot type or speak fast enough. I experience a mania that is sinister. I make the most beautiful pieces because of it and people envy my talent, but if they suffered as I suffer they would not choose it. The creativity comes at a cost. My brain is never silent, it is very, very loud most of the time.

It is hard for me to focus, sit still and listen to people. It is hard for me to be in the present and think of the now. I am always thinking of what next, what next? I am haunted by the past too. My mind is always in yesterday and tomorrow, never today, never now.

I remember when I was a child I used to overwhelm adults when I would show them my binders and books of stories and characters I created. I had 100+ full story lines for characters. I created two full length films with my video camera and cardboard props that I created. I made the entire soundtrack on tape with my friend’s voices and mine. My family assisted me in this endeavor and I very much wanted to become a film maker.

I used to shoot music videos all the time. I miss the days when I had a free childhood full of time to complete these kinds of epic projects. I was a prodigy child.

There are so many ideas that I have constantly. I am very gifted. I just wish I had the money to do bigger things. I gradually get things to fund my art, like just recently I got a great deal on much needed frames. I bought them for 70% with an added 15% my entire purchase because I am a teacher.

Hellz yeah!

I wish I had to money to hire actors and make film again. Maybe one day I will.

It also hurts to know that I sign up for so many things as an escape too. There are memories I try to run from. I get misunderstood and sometimes, people take that opportunity to ostracize me. I have been teased and bullied like anyone else, but I feel like I simply get targeted just for being me, when I have made no affront to anyone else.

It’s like me just existing as a force of talented, brilliant, determined good is a huge threat to people. I light fires in people and some people don’t like that.

I remember a guy in particular who was a huge player and would prey upon international girls at my school. Because I was their tutor and I knew who and how he was I let them know not to trust or go anywhere with him and that he is bad. I told them in their own language. They told their girlfriends too and his play was ruined. He hated me for that. Too bad. I wasn’t going to let him hurt my girls.

I play the role of shepherd and superhero. I do have a savior complex but there are many times that I need saving and I think, no one comes to save the hero. The hero suffers alone.

There have been several times in my life where people have come to my aid and helped me greatly and I’m thankful for that.

What I resent is how others have placed me on a pedestal. It’s kind of my fault though. How I see myself, how I treat myself, is being mirrored through others. I am critical of myself so people are critical of me. I expect perfection in myself so others expect it of me.

It’s really quite a masochistic sadistic thing to do to one’s self.

And I might be suffering from mild O.C.D.

I always say to myself that I can’t be because look at how messy my room always is. I am not that organized at all. I’m quite a procrastinator. I don’t have quirky requirements like stepping on every other black square or only eating when foods don’t touch but I know it’s much more than that.

I’m glad that people cannot see mental illness from the outside. The judgment for it is so cruel and assuming. People assume that it’s the individuals’s fault, or that they are unpredictable and dangerous.

There are so many different types with different ranges and I wish that people could be more educated and understanding about it.

Sometimes, it’s not even about mental illness or being A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. Some people just view artists and creatives as insane simply because they are not followers. They view that as diverting from the norm and therefore it’s abnormal.

I’m afraid of letting people get super close to me. When they do they realize those little quirks in me and question it. They see it as very strange and wonder why I do certain things a certain way.

I envy laid back idgaf people. I’ll never know what it’s like not to care. I care a lot and I care too much. I feel people’s feelings and I suffer for my compassionate empathy.

I feel auras and vibrations and that’s why when I’m in a room of sad or angry people I can’t stay for too long because it’s overwhelming to me.

I’m an extrovert but I need time alone away from people because all of their feelings overwhelm me.

I also am frequently talked to in confidence. All of those secrets to hold, usually dark traumatic ones are a lot to bear. I always play the role of counselor and confidant.

And whenever I go to get counseled I barely get a chance to scratch the surface I have so much weight to discuss.

I pat myself on the back because even despite my mental and emotional burdens I not only go through life but thrived in the end.

But I will say that if I could live without the mania I would. Would I trade my artistic abilities to live a calm, peaceful, chilled out brain?

Maybe.

And that’s saying a lot.

Because I can do a lot. But it comes at a terrible cost. It comes with a tornado whipping through, speaking louder than anyone who is in front of me asking me a question.

It comes with waking up every night at 3am with ideas that I have to write down and not being able to get back to sleep.

It comes with a lot of tears, tears from hurt feelings, anxiety, depression and fear of things that aren’t necessarily worthy of those emotions.

But art has saved my life, and I paint my pain often, and the pain of others, for catharsis.

Art keeps me grounded, centered and sane.

Because the storm in my head is quite awful, and it’s a burden that I have to live with every day.

 

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