Spectrum of Bisexual Identities

I have been watching a very good and educational series on youtube called Bisexual Real Talk.

It has helped to validate many emotions and thoughts I had felt about the LGBTQ community and Bisexuality.

The person who host this channel identifies as a mostly straight bisexual, so I cannot relate to that in a sense because I am a mostly gay bisexual.

I appreciate that the Kinsey scale shows a spectrum where people can place themselves where they feel they fit and since at no point in my life have I ever felt like my bisexual attraction has fluctuated or changed in a fluid sense I can place myself where I have always felt I belong.

I would be a 4 on the Kinsey Scale.

It has never been 50/50 for me. It has always been more so 80/20 for me. I feel mostly gay feelings and less straight feelings, but I feel that if I were to identify as gay, that it would not only be an outright lie, but it would deny a true emotion that exists for me towards men.

Even though some men are even more turned on by the “idea of turning out a lesbian woman” I would not want to deny myself access to men by identifying as such and them not considering me. Ironically enough however, bisexuality is so stigmatized and understood that I would probably raise my chances dating wise with men by identifying as lesbian. Isn’t that crazy?

Most of my dating experiences have been male only. This is due to the fact that is has taken me some time to become comfortable enough with myself to be out. I also live in isolated areas that do not have any major LGBTQ communities that I can join. In that sense, I can count on my fingers how many LGBTQ people I know. It is not many at all and that is sad.

I have only been to one gay club in my entire life, it was called Legends in North Carolina during a Bachelorette party. I had a wonderful time there and in one night I kissed two guys and one girl! It was so freeing and I was so happy and I felt fully comfortable to express myself.

It was the most people I had ever kissed in one setting and I’m usually way to shy to do something so bold. When I was there I felt like I could fully be myself and I was elated!

Some things were stated in the videos that I only feel apply to mostly straight bisexuals and some statistics implied that they would ultimately pick one type of partner over the other.

For me, I really don’t see myself settling down with a man. I can see myself certainly dating one, but having a husband? Probably not. At the same time however, I don’t see myself settling down with anyone. I don’t really desire to have a wife either.

I just can’t conceive of sharing and intertwining huge chunks of my life with another human being for whom I have to partner with until death do us part.

I have loved people but I have not had healthy relationships. I would like to experience a healthy relationship one day.

I still have not loved someone enough to marry them however. I do love heavily, quickly and hard.

That kind of strong passion causes a lot of heartbreak and so I actually try to hold back those emotions as much as possible but it almost never works because it spills out of me like a tsunami would break a dam.

I really just wanted to say that I really appreciate that videos like this exist. He spoke about Bisexual feelings such as anger and resentment towards the Gay community for treating us like outcasts that don’t belong. He spoke on Straight Privilege but also the downsides to that of which there are many.

Bisexuality is a very complex existence and for me it’s even more complex because in reality, to the people who understand and are aware of the definition, I identify as a demisexual biromantic. I fall on the ace scale at the halfway point and even though I can be quite sensual, I’m just not that sexual of a person action wise.

My love is expressed more so through emotional means. I pour it out heavily. I love people deeply. It’s more so a burden than anything but it’s the way God made me.

I also appreciate the Klein Grid which includes the Asexual spectrum. I am a D4 on that scale. For some it may seem so overkill to have all these new labels and sexuality scales but trust me when I say I appreciate them all because back when I was a teenager I had no names or studies to apply to how I felt and now that I do I feel much more secure in those feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Vulnerability of the International Students

This is an unfinished blog and will be finished on a later date

I cannot divulge too much information about this to protect the international students who were close to me during my time at my universities, but I will say a few things that I think should be known that international students suffer from and endure that the general public may not be aware of.

 

The Price of Being an Intelligent Woman

It’s a very interesting price that is paid being an intelligent, ambitious woman.

I received the most heat and hostility in my life for this when I was getting my Masters degree.

There were men who all of the sudden got verbally hostile with me once I revealed that I was getting my Masters degree.

There were also men for which I was interested in romantically and I can say that for one of my partners, I saw his face sink when I told him that I was getting my Masters, and he had an Associates degree.

I remember telling myself, “If you really want to date someone, you cannot tell them about your degrees. Tone it down some, forget to mention them, lower your accomplishments, because no man will be secure enough to be with a woman with a higher education.”

It hurts me very much now to know that I did practice this belittling of myself to a degree, to simply provide comfort to the men around me for whom I was interested in.

I remember in High school having crushes ask for tutoring in a with “sensual undertones” and I thought hey this is great! As a tutor I will get one on one time to get close to those whom I like. That really wasn’t the case however. Boys who teased how they would get “private tutor sessions” with me were just fronting.

Those boys would end up not showing up at all and if they did they were extremely lazy and entitled and expected me to do their homework for them. I have had people comment on how attractive both male and female some of my tutees have been.

Really, all I get is people running through. Basically I am a form of a teacher, and those relationships are required to be professional and platonic only because I am in a position of power.

Of course their have been tutees who tried to cross the line with me, and now that I am no longer tutoring, I can honestly say, which I will detail in another blog, that for the few times that ever happened it ended very badly.

Me being a naive 21 year old at the time, made a mistake, with an older tutee of mine, and I was advised not to ever tutor anyone outside of the school. I did and I paid for it. Again, I wasn’t assaulted, but I almost was, and even though he was clearly a predator, I am much more cautious because of that experience.

Now that I am older, it was obvious he was a predator. He never flirted with me during sessions, at least, that I noticed. I don’t really notice when someone flirts with me unless they hit me over the head and scream, “I like you or I want to have sex with you.” If someone isn’t direct I’ll have no idea.

The problem is, as a smart, nerdy girl, I am so used to men choosing the other girls, that in my head, I just assume, I am not wanted romantically.

I also try to reject people before they have a chance to reject me, because even though I may look good physically, I know that, once I open my mouth about my accomplishments and ambition, that they will quickly lose interest or become hostile to “cut me down” emotionally.

I don’t care to endure that, and for awhile there, I kind of just gave up on dating because I thought well, sure, there may be some rare men out there ok dating a woman with a graduate degree but quite frankly, I don’t want someone who is simply tolerant of my accomplishments and ambition.

I want to be with someone just as ambitious, just as accomplished, who wants to team up with me and become a dynamic duo. I want to help that person grow and I want that person to help me grow. I know that someone that special takes time to meet, but my impatience has been one of my biggest downfalls. If I could erase every individual I ever dated or ever let touch me I would because they were beneath me.

They were beneath me, not because of a lower education, but because they had an ego so fragile that they felt they had to cut me down, to feel secure, to be with me.

I made a promise to myself that I will do my best to never do this again. It was a disrespect to myself, a disrespect to my accomplishments and a disrespect to my parents investment into my education. It should not be hidden nor be something I am ashamed of.

I also remember that there was a white boy that I had a crush on in High school in my Spanish class. We were getting our Spanish tests back and I got a 103 and he got a 102. Since he got above perfect he thought he had beaten me. Welp, looks like I got even more perfect than his perfect bruh!

Spanish is my forte!

Anyhow, I tried to hide my test from him because I knew he would react badly. He insisted on seeing my test, I kept saying no.

He reached out and grabbed it from me and ripped it. He called me a “smartass.”

Back then I considered it an insult. Now I am proud to be that smartass.

I mean what’s crazy about this scenario was I tried to hide it from him in first place. He did not need to know I performed better than him, however he knew that I was hiding my results for a reason.

How do men, how do white people, how do these groups become so insecure about women, and especially Black women being more intelligent and performing higher than them?

I mean, I know that the messages we receive affect us, but I don’t know, I just did not think that I would be dealing with these messages as heavily as I endured.

The hostility gets so intense sometimes. I’m just doing me you know? I’m not trying to compete with anyone because I don’t feel that I have to. I know my worth. I don’t need to be better than anyone, I just am performance wise and skill wise and intelligent wise.

If someone takes that as arrogance so be it. It’s the damn truth!

I have superior skills, talents and intelligence and there are people who have superior skills and talents and intelligence than mine and I don’t fall apart about it.

I’m not going to blog about every or most instances where my intelligence was met with hostility but there have been enough to write a book about.

I grew up in a household for which bringing home straight A’s my mother reacted with “that’s what’s expected of you.” There wasn’t really high praise for getting distinguished honors.

In that way I did relate a lot to the academic plights of many of the international students that I tutored from Asia. I had Chinese, Japanese and Korean students who grew up in harsh academic settings and I could relate to some degrees because my family is made up of many educators.

There is no room for failure in my family. The two pillars of my family are education and faith and following God. It’s made of up clergy and educators. My grandmother was a principal and many other things. Her name can be googled. She integrated University of Delaware and was one of the first Black Women to graduate with a degree from that university.

I complained during my first year of college that I come from the “family of the gods” and I do not know how I will ever compare to my family members.

They didn’t understand why I felt that way. I don’t know. Maybe it’s all the awards and plaques on the wall that I see everyday.

They thought that they were doing something positive. I am not against what they did but the same thing that was done to create ambition in me also created a sense of insecurity as well. I just wanted to make them proud so badly and I felt like I needed to have just as many awards and accolades to do so.

My dad is the type to say that most things do not impress him. He often responded to my work with, “it’s ok.” I would take offense to that because the outside world would praise me for my work. I knew that when my father rarely said, “Wow, that’s good.” that I had received the highest compliment. I don’t care if the world said what I did was absolute trash. If my father said it was good, if my mother said it was good, then it was good.

I suppose that as an adult, I haven’t yet broken away from seeking their approval. I have always been a goody two shoes and a very obedient first child.

I want to believe that it won’t take me finally moving away to break away from seeking that approval, but if I’m being honest, it’s probably the case.

When I told my parents I graduated with my graduate degree at 23 years old, they reminded me that they both got theirs at a younger age.

Sigh…

One of the most unhealthy things is that in my eyes my parents are demi-gods. It’s not that they have never failed at anything, it’s just, they are so accomplished, and other family members are so accomplished, that sometimes, it makes me feel inadequate in comparison.

They told me not to compare myself because I am young and they took years to get where they are at.

I understand that on the surface, but it is still hard.

I mean, in my house B meant I could do better, and C was unacceptable.

That kind of forms a mental complex.

No matter what I accomplish, most times, I feel less than.

I don’t blame my parents, because they have stated several times that I am too hard on myself.

I suffer from perfectionism.

Because of that, I can’t enjoy the fruits of my labor.

In my artwork I’ll always see what is wrong.

But my ability to be meticulous and see the errors allows me to improve and I strive for an unrealistic ideal.

I can never make a perfect painting. I wish that I could. I want to print the painting that I see in my mind. I get close, but almost never perfect.

The closest I ever got was my art piece “We Cannot See Alone.”

I am most proud of that piece and I made it at age sixteen.

Anyway, all in all, there is a price that girls like me pay, and what saddens me, is having known all the girls who dropped off and gave up and gave in to doing all that they could “to get a man” who sacrificed themselves to meet society’s expectations, and the perceived epitome of happiness for a woman.

But in their defense I was raised differently. I was raised with parents who never saw my womanhood as a negative or an obstacle. They knew what the world would try to do to me and they fought it gung ho and instilled an attitude in me of pushing till my last breath to achieve.

Is there an unhealthy side to that? Yes.

But that is a blog for another day.

~ Confessions of a Smart Blerd Girl…

Demisexual Biromantic

I am so glad that we are growing in our awareness of various terms to identify emotions and identities that people have had but had no words to express

I identify as bisexual for the most part because that is the most understandable term for the general public but if I were to get more detailed and use lesser known terms I would identify as a Demisexual Biromantic.

Demisexuals are pretty much half sexual. They fall in the middle of the spectrum between sexual people vs. asexual people.

I don’t experience sexual attraction (for the most part) without having a romantic emotional connection with the person.

I do experience sensual attraction in that yes, I have seen someone that I find attractive and may desire to touch them, but I do not desire to have full on sex with them, male or female.

I’d rather eat pizza or *have cake than have sex. There are many things I would rather do then have sex. When I say this, many people interpret it as meaning that I do not like sex. It doesn’t mean that, it means that I find other things more pleasurable than sex or that I don’t hold sex as the epitome of pleasure.

I am biromantic because I have I have romantic feelings towards both sexes, however sexually, I don’t really desire to have sex with either males or females.

I’m very much a receiver, not so much a doer.

Some partners have mistaken this as me not loving them because I am no “displaying physically” enough.

Love is no equivalent with sex or how much I touch someone.

It hurts me to know that society wraps love expressions into one form, usually sexual.

Sex positivity has positives and negatives. Some negatives are that concept being promoted that to live a healthy, full human life that individuals should have sex as much, with as many partners as they desire.

Some people desire no sex. Some people desire sex a little and for some people sex is simply a situational choice, but not a major priority or desire.

That’s totally normal.

However people who look at reproduction and our drive to reproduce and have sex see asexuals, demisexuals and everything on the Ace spectrum as abnormal.

I remember thinking that sexual people were abnormal because even though I went through puberty I was not experiencing the major sexual attraction and urges that teens were having. I did not understand why people were so “perverted” in my eyes.

Now I have language to express my emotions.

So many times when it came to my sexuality it wasn’t me questioning why am I not like other people, it was why are other people not like me?

I truly wondered how teen peers of mine could watch music videos on television and not be aroused by the sexy video vixens on tv.

I also would like to talk about the fact that bisexuality or biromanticism is not simply 50%/50%.

I am more attracted to women then men, specifically, thick, curvy, bigger women.

I romantically attach to both sexes just as much but when it comes to sensual attraction I am much more attracted to women.

Sexuality is complex and personal and even though some people are irritated by all of the terms that are coming out, I appreciate them very much because I feel that emotions I have felt most my life are being validated and identified.

Still, the general public is not aware of these lesser known terms, and even though identifying as bisexual has it’s downsides and misconceptions and stereotypes, it’s really the most understandable term I can use to identify myself.

I am glad for the demisexual identity addition because some people think that bisexual people are hyper-sexual because we are attracted to both sexes. In actuality I am very selective of my partners, I would not say picky, but there’s a lot more that I take into consideration before dating someone apart from being attracted to them.

In fact, I am so selective I seriously wish I could simply conduct dating like an interview. I would prefer to write out what I am looking for and my deal breakers and interests, and whoever matches can apply and I will consider them for a second interview.

This may sound stuck up but hey, I am a dynamic woman, I deserve the best and no less. If it means that I’ll be single for a while then so be it. I’ve been single for several years, and I have had very few partners.

Some people assume that if someone has little dating experience that they have not had the chance to have min-blowing life-altering sex to realize how sexual they actually are.

But I honestly do not care to find out. Honestly I have always regretted becoming a sexual romantic being, I do not enjoy experiencing those emotions because it usually ends in heartbreak for me or unrequited love and I just consider those emotions very distracting from me reaching my best self.

If I was fully focused on self-actualization and elevation of my own transformation I would not be falling to pieces or licking old wounds of people who hurt me.

Loving the wrong people can really destroy a person internally. I am more guarded because of it and more closed and I feel that’s ok. I don’t believe it’s safe or smart to be too open with people, especially romantically.

Anyway, that’s just me though. Glad and proud to be demisexual biromantic!

 

 

Pride of Self Improvement

This upcoming Saturday, April the 8th, I will be doing a presentation on the wide spectrum of human sexuality at my father’s church for a Social Justice Day.

I understand that these kinds of situations are not so common, are controversial and seen as a threat to the “natural order.”

But I will say that I have also seen how a lack of proper education, leads to people’s deaths.

Teens have been “exorcised” of “gay demons” in churches. I have never witnessed this myself, but I have heard stories of it happening to some unfortunate individuals.

Some people in the church are absolutely terrified of the LGBTQIPA community and think that we are all sexually confused, mentally ill, deviant pedophiles.

*If you don’t know the P in that acronym stands for Pansexual* We are NOT fighting for the rights of pedophiles.

I understand the why there would be an initial shock and resistance to a person growing up in a world where these realities were fairly unknown and not talked about.

I understand why there is push back, especially considering that there are STILL and have been anti-gay camps where children and teens are abused and tortured mentally and physically into being “converted” back to heterosexuality.

What hurts is the silence. If we are true Christians, we would fight for justice. We would fight to protect those who are so beloved by Christ.

That’s really all I’m trying to do.

People act like the demand for LGBTQIAP rights is so damn revolutionary and radical.

Who DOESN’T want to have rights? Why would we deserve any less? Plenty of LGBTQIAP people are Christians, and that faith doesn’t just get abandoned upon realizing that one is gay or some other sexuality.

I know that I certainly could not divorce who I am from what I believe in either. If I were to say I was no longer a practicing Christian, that would be an outright lie!

What is crazy to me is the female pastors who preach against it. Biblically female pastors aren’t allowed to be preaching.

What’s crazy to me is the pastors who have committed adultery. Biblically speaking they aren’t allowed to be preaching.

What’s crazy to me is true deviants, the true pedophile priests who have raped children, mostly male children, who shouldn’t be allowed to be preaching.

And what’s crazy to some looking from the outside in at me, is why in the world I would bother to stay, to try to fix something so broken.

I understand that the church is a powerful entity that has a history of abuse alongside the benevolent things.

Even when I call out that abuse some Christians get uneasy and feel that I am attacking them personally and I am not. I am just trying to hold us as a community accountable. If we don’t speak out, nothing will change. If we don’t speak out people will only associate us with negative things.

I am a Christian and I am so tired of being misrepresented by right wing conservative with no empathy for human kind.

Those people are the ones who truly cannot claim that they are followers of Jesus Christ because those are completely opposite what Jesus Christ would do and had done.

Jesus cared for everyone, and he especially emphasized caring for those who are marginalized.

But the point of this presentation is not to argue whether homosexuality is right or wrong. The point is to simply educate people on what terms mean, what varying sexualities exist that we know of, (because some are still being discovered, revealed and named) and to simply create a space where people can ask questions.

I am proud that I have come from a time in my life where I thought that I could not truly be myself and that I would have to live a lie my entire life and now I am boldly and unapologetic-ally speaking about this, helping the community and spreading the word to church goers.

There are plenty of people who want to be educated, who want to understand, who want to give themselves a chance to change and open their hearts.

I never would have seen myself being able to even come close to doing something this bold years ago.

I never would have imagined that there would be churches that were accepting, reconciling, loving and outright supportive of the LGBTQIAP community.

I wish that those who have left, were able to be given healing from those scars. I have not endured a lot of scars directly, but in conversations and sermons had in various churches I have been to, there have been plenty of times, that I stayed silent, because I was terribly afraid of being outed if I stood up for them, or attacked.

No Christian person should ever have to feel that fear for any reason whatsoever.

It was hard, pushing myself to love other people who I truly questioned whether they loved me.

There are churches I have left with people whom I love because of this.

It’s very hurtful and will take some time to heal from.

It’s not even really like I am fighting for the right to date or marry of the same sex. I am bisexual. I could end up dating or marrying a man.

But even if I ended up in a hetero-normative relationship, I would still be fighting because it’s really not about me or my rights, it’s about the community’s rights.

If I were heterosexual, I’d hope that I would be a gung-ho straight ally.

It’s about being loved, accepted, understood as a bisexual woman.

Some people are never going to be open to this. Some people are never going to accept this. Some people will call me Satan and demon possessed for even attempting to include this within the church.

Fuck Them!

I have lived too much of my life in fear, and cried too many damn tears thinking I was some kind of freak.

I thank God for the loving, accepting parents that I had because I know so many who do not have that luxury.

I can honestly say that if they did not, I probably would have killed myself.

Because I could not see myself being able to handle to social ramifications of being attacked at three angles for my Blackness, my Womanhood, and my Bisexuality.

Bisexuality is less understood than Homosexuality, so to a degree, I won’t say that we have it worse, but it is lesser known than what being gay is.

Anyway, I look forward to doing this presentation, even though I am sure that I’ll be nervous.

I am more than proud of both my parents for whom openly and boldly support within the church.

My father wore a rainbow stole to Annual Conference years ago and sat at the table with the LGBTQIAP Christians. It was one of my proudest moments and I was not out yet then.

My mother runs a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) at her school.She has done transgender presentations as well.

My parents are both allies and they are heroes in my eyes, especially my father who is a pastor. I know that he probably faces heavy criticism for his beliefs but he stands by them fully. He stands by me fully. He loves me fully. I love him fully.

I don’t love myself fully for various reasons, but I’m working on it.

And I’m proud to say that I love myself a lot more than I did in my teen years.

So if you’re in the area, please come out to the Social Justice Day presentations at Newark UMC in Newark, Delaware April 8th! Register online today!

 

 

Body Issues Within Education

I know that this “incident” isn’t really worth wasting any time or energy on but I would like to bring it to light to show some true facts and problematic realities.

One of the students in my Spanish class suggested a library book to me about losing belly fat through dieting from gluten.

This was inappropriate, unnecessary, unwanted and just plain rude.

What really shocks me about moments like this is that people really think that they are helping.

Personally, even if one is going to compliment someone on their weight I just personally feel that no comments should ever be made about weight from strangers. You are not family, nor a close friend and I feel that weight is such a personal subject that strangers ought not comment on something so personal.

I am a teacher. This individual is my student. I am a professional. I am not a model in a beauty contest. Why they felt saying this was appropriate is beyond me but he will not be the first and he will not be the last to do so. As a woman standing in front of a classroom for hours on end, there will be plenty of visual scrutiny on my body.

As a teacher, especially a female one, I feel like this is a subject and a struggle that isn’t often talked about. Teachers are meticulously analyzed visually. Every detail can and is seen about teachers because they spend hours with students each day and even have some close contact, like when they tutor or bend down to assist a student.

Therefore there is a pressure to look 100 every day. One of my biggest fears is having an accident while menstruating during class. It has never happened, but it did happen to my grandmother, in a day where that wasn’t even talked about. Ever since she told me that story of the kids asking why she was bleeding down her leg, I was terrified of that sort of humiliation happening to me.

Another thing, is being sexualized as a female teacher. I taught a college course to students very close to me in age while I was in graduate school. When I turned around they could see how my business skirt wrapped around my plump derriere.

There is nothing that I can do about my big butt, nor should I have to. Business clothes are often made very straight up and down and are not made to properly fit curvy women.

It’s no issue of me not buying the appropriate sizes. In fact I often have to buy elephant sized pants as I call them because they are too big for the rest of my legs and they drag on the ground and I trip in them, but I have to get sizes up so that it’ll fit my hips and butt without having major lines directing to my crotch area.

So it’s really not my fault. Buying business professional clothes as a curvy woman is an absolute nightmare and knowing that no matter how conservatively I dress my curves will always be loud and prominent is difficult because I am not trying to seduce anyone. It’s just the body that God created on me and I can’t really “tone it down” in the classroom.

It gives unwanted attention. Students say things they shouldn’t and whistle and touch me. It annoys me that I have to confront these uncomfortable situations.

But back to the weight guy.

I didn’t confront him about it but I plan to address it because I really am trying to be assertive.

I will say that he also said the diet book would help with skin issues too. He was referencing my acne.

OMG!

Seriously!?

If I am just THAT HIDEOUS to look at during class, then maybe my class isn’t for you.

Why any man or any person would have a requirement for all women, let alone an educator to look “perfect” doesn’t make sense. It isn’t my job to look “pretty” all of the time. I am here to educate, point, blank.

Also this what a White man. Why is that significant? Because I am a Black woman and Black women tend to be curvier, bigger and fatter than White women.

His cultural standards for what “skinny, pretty and fat” are probably differ a lot from mine. I like my body shape. I don’t want to change it (in general.)

However because this book was about belly fat I have been insecure about not having a flat stomach for several years. I try to work on not being insecure about it and embracing it because honestly having a roll or two on one’s stomach is totally normal.

I like how thick I’ve gotten because I haven’t always been as curvy as I used to be. I prefer to have a curvy voluptuous body and this man assumed that I wanted to change that because he wants it changed. He assumed that I was unhappy with my perceived “fatness.”

This is a form of body shaming and it is also part of what I call “#sacism” sexist and racist actions combined, because once again, if the epitome of beauty is a skinny white woman’s figure and one truly believes that this is the standard that every woman should follow then they are dead wrong.

Women come in ALL shapes and sizes and that’s not only normal, it’s very beautiful!

I should also add that the first class this dude who is probably three times my age, suggested that we go out and get a beer together.

Dude, if you’re trying to hit on a woman, it probably won’t entrance her, being told how she needs to lose weight.

First class he commented on how much weight I had lost since the last class, as a compliment. Sorry, I don’t view this as a compliment because it implies that someone had a lot of weight prior. I just don’t feel like it really needs to be said. Why not just simply say, “Hey you look good,” the end.

As an educator I feel that it really ought not matter what I look like. Even having an alternative style becomes an issue at times. There are alterations I dream of doing to my body that I cannot do because I am in education and I won’t be taken seriously if I have blue dreads, piercings and tattoos.

Because I’m in childcare and there is a diverse staff I have gotten away with wearing my dark plum purple faux crochet locks with various bead jewels in them. I wear nerdy jewelry like plastic chokers and 8-bit heart necklaces and scrubs with superheroes on them. At another facility, those things might not be allowed.

It just sucks that these things even happen and matter so much. I am more than capable of teaching an excellent class no matter how I am dressed. I am also much more than my appearance. I am super brilliant and skilled in my field. The fact that someone would be blinded by my looks and not see my intelligence is just pathetic.

 

 

Should Women Only Procreate with Alpha Men?

Right now I feel that in American society it is being more encouraged that ever that women should have sex with whatever man they desire to have sex with simply because they want to, it’s their body, and they have that right.

At the same time, if we look at how nature works, if that matters to you, female animals are much more selective in their choosing of sexual partners and they have sex for the purpose of procreation.

Animals care about making the best of the best offspring to carry on strong attractive genes.

Humans can fall in love and have sex without wanting to procreate.

With that being said, just because we can sleep with whomever we want, does that mean that we ought to?

Also humans frequently disagree on what an “Alpha Male” is.

Alphas Males can be total assholes, even abusive. All Alpha Male means in nature is that they are the male with the best genes, that they are the strongest, fastest and most attractive. Alpha Males have the ability to fully provide for as many female partners as they have.

So I’m trying to figure out, how in the world do women have sex with men that can’t and don’t provide? And how do these beta men even begin to argue about being friend-zoned and rejected when thy are bringing nothing attractive to the table?

This is one of the reasons why rich men tend to get all the ladies. They have the ability to provide.

Even though humans can and do defy nature, it is still a big part of our subconious actions.

I never HAVE been a believer in just doing whatever one wants because they can and I am definitely against women making poor and impulsive decisions in having sexual partners who are beneath them.

One might argue, well hey, there are women who simply want an itch scratched, and that’s no crime right?

It’s a crime when possible babies will suffer for the rest of their lives knowing that they were born to parents who don’t care about them and did not want them.

I’m speaking about people who don’t use proper protection and have raw unprotected sex frequently with partners who are terrible candidates.

Why would you let a sub par man hit though? Why? He doesn’t deserve access to your body like that!

But some women use sex for other reasons. Some women use sex as a weapon to get things.

Some women don’t feel sex is something to be earned but that it’s a mutual desire that both men and women have and should have the freedom to act on whenever with whomever.

I’m not arguing that we should have that freedom restricted. I’m arguing that just because we have it doesn’t mean we should act on it.

A lot of children who were unplanned suffer because of this kind of reckless behavior.

To the women who have frequent sex and protect themselves, there is still the emotional factor. I am a full believer in the sacredness of sexual acts and that parts of people’s spirits entwine with one another.

I am aware that is not everyone’s belief, and I am also aware that some people feel that is strictly a female reaction and that males can walk away easily and unscathed by various sexual partners. The latter two are not my beliefs.

Sex is serious and people don’t take it seriously enough. Just because I disagree with someone’s actions doesn’t mean I feel that I have to take their right to free sex away but I will voice that I think it is not in anyone’s best interest, male or female, especially considering how many STD’s are out there these days, to have sex often with whomever, however.

Yes. I am a woman. I believe it is a privilege to let any other human being enter my body. That’s incredibly intimate, incredibly intrusive and incredibly vulnerable.

I am not a believer that any man I find attractive, deserves full access to my body.

Honestly, that kind of behavior is quite dangerous and unhealthy for so many reasons.

But hey, to each their own, you have the freedom to do you boo boo.

But as for me, I am the cream of the crop, I am the best of the best, so I feel I deserve no less than the best of the best.

I don’t really care to let anyone less than the best have access to the most intimate parts of me, body, soul, mind, spirit and heart included.

 

 

The Nature Argument Pt 1

So please tell me how some Christians can argue that homosexuality is wrong because it’s against nature, but some Christians insist on abstinence until marriage? Nature says we are supposed to procreate as much as possible and have sex as soon as we are reproductive until we cannot reproduce anymore.

Nature dictates that men should have sex with as many female partners as possible and spread their seed while females are supposed to be as narrowly selective as possible when choosing a mate and to only mate with the strongest alpha to produce the strongest offspring.

To a degree many aspects of human society reflect these actions.

However I will say that using the nature argument to be against homosexuality becomes very hypocritical considering there are plenty of actions “required” within the church that go against the sexual nature of most human beings.

Priests and nuns within the Catholic church are not allowed to get married or have families or have sex.

They aren’t procreating.

But homosexuals get all the heat for that right?

I’m just making a point that if not having sex or children is within the context of “serving God only” and “abandoning the desires of worldly pleasures” then people are put on a pedestal.

And both homosexuals and priests and nuns are all not having procreative sex.

But one is held in high regard for abstaining while the other is ostracized for refusing to procreate.

Now I can already point to several instances within nature where homosexuality as well as sex change is a natural occurrence but that isn’t the point of this blog.

The point of this blog is to simply point out that the nature argument is only used when we’re talking about a marginalized group’s actions.

When we talk about situations that are against nature, that we approve of, then we never mention that.

Also keep in mind that biblically Jewish children were considered “men and women” at age thirteen and there was no such thing as a “teenage-hood”

They were expected to get married and have children as soon as possible and the life span was much shorter back then.

According to nature they were following the proper reproduction and procreation time clocks.

In our society we would call that pedophilia.

Girls these days become reproductive around age 9.

So pardon me but the nature argument is a very weak one and I do not think that people fully realize what they are implying when they make it.

Because if we followed nature’s rules, a whole bunch of things we do as humans would be deemed ridiculous, like marriage.

Some animal species do mate for life but many do not. To my knowledge animals are not capable of “falling in love” even though they express affection towards one another.

Nature is harsh. Nature cares about protecting and producing the best of the best.

According to nature any disabled or “special” people would be murdered by their own parents.

Animals discard anything they consider a weakness to the species.

We as humans attempt to save and make compensations for those who are special or elderly when if we followed “natures” rules they would be discarded.

So I really have had it with the “it’s against nature” nonsense, and this is just one part of the argument. In another blog I will site several instances in which homosexuality and sex changes are completely natural.

But even if they weren’t that obviously has not been the full reason as to why some of the church stands against it.

It’s just another one of those faux reasons to discriminate and keep God’s children from the pews, but thank goodness that God is everywhere, and accessible to anyone and everyone, church or no church.

Hair Assault & Other Infractions

I have been hair assaulted.

As many of you may know already from various articles via the internet, Black Girls specifically suffer from hair assault and we get our hair pulled, groped, insulted or fetishized more than others do because it is very unique from other hair textures.

I used to get hair assaulted mostly in High school.

I specifically remember a Spanish class I took where two boys who sat behind me would yank my braids daily. It was so bad that my Spanish teacher asked me if I wanted to move seats but I declined.

If any girl knows in a primary sense what it feels like to get fresh new braids the first day, let alone endure them for the first week, then you know after getting your scalp snatched that anyone touching your hair let alone grabbing it is worth a snap-able reaction.

However I was a very passive and pacifistic dormat of a girl back in my youth, and snapping out at people was not something I ever really did.

My hair was especially unique because I wore colored and multicolored braid extensions. I had every color of the rainbow at some point. I

was so identifiable by them, in the year book I was put down as the girl with the colored hair. It was not dyed but I bought colored weave to install in my braids and I confused many of the White kids for whom did not understand how I changed colors so quickly.

What I will say is that even though I have seen many posts and articles in recent years about how wrong hair assault is, especially towards girls, curlier haired girls and Black girls specifically, back then in the early 2000’s those articles weren’t as prevalent and those memes were yet to be made.

It doesn’t mean that I didn’t consciously know it was wrong, it certainly did bother me, but I didn’t really speak up about it or admonish anything because I didn’t want to be the “Angry Black Girl” stereotype, others would not understand why I was snapping on them, and to be honest, I would have looked like the villain, not the other way around.

It seems innocent but touching anyone anywhere without even asking first is incredibly rude. I’ve had it happen so many times I can’t even count. One of the worst experiences I can remember is when I proudly wore my natural afro puffs to school for Halloween when I was dressed as a disco queen.

It was the first time the kids were seeing my actual hair and they thought it was a wig but when I told them it was real they all came over and dug their dirty fingers in my hair, and pulled and prodded at it like I was a zoo animal or alien because they were so shocked that kind of hair could grow out of someone’s head. They had never seen it before and I felt like a spectacle.

It wasn’t a good feeling of extra special-ness. It was an embarrassing feeling of other-ness. I felt invaded and violated. I swore never to wear my hair natural again to school after that incident. In fact I am almost certain that it was the one and only time I ever did wear my hair natural at school.

In college when I was modeling, a girl came up and just dug her hands in my hair right in front of everyone in the art studio. It was one of those moment where it took me a few moments to even come to the realization of what just happened. This was one of my friends. She didn’t even ask. She just came up and started fingering my afro.

I avoid conflict like the plague which is one of the attributes I hate most about myself because it’s one step away from cowardice. I understand that it is good to be non-confrontational, but there are life moments that call for self defense and hair assault is serious and definitely a an offense that justifies that response.

Back to the boys who did it. I would like to also highlight that girls of all races are told that boys are “boys” and they express that they “like” you through teasing, being mean, and harassment.

When boys “teased” me which was a very overarching term that did include a lot of harassment, I thought, “oh, this is what boys do to express their affection, they are crude, rude, animals, and they are not smart enough to articulate affection properly because they don’t understand their own feelings and they are discouraged by society to do so in more gentleman like manners.”

There is some truth to that statement, but if we really believe that men and women are equals then we need to raise our standards as a society and say we won’t tolerate that kind of behavior. If a guy likes a girl, express it with respect.

Of course there are many articles written from the perspective of men stating that they get no play if they go the gentleman route and that women really want the assholes.

There is also some truth to that and there are actually biological nature reasons why but the “bad boy syndrome” is another blog for another day and trust me, I had it too when I was younger but for some other personal reasons.

I had such a strict upbringing at home that bad boys attracted me because I wanted to live vicariously through their rebellion. I could not rebel but at least I could enjoy rebellion in a secondary sense through being around the rebellious attitudes of those whom I admired.

It took “balls” as one would say to challenge authority and that boldness got my attention, especially since I at the time was a very obedient, compliant, goody two shoes, and to a degree I still have many of those attributes, but I am trying to break away from that because it’s unhealthy and detrimental.

What I will say is that again it’s an unhealthy message to teach our young boys that harassment is a proper way to express affection to a girl that they fancy.

It is also quite harmful to say to our young girls that they should just tolerate that sort of behavior and not only that but relish in it because it means that they are receiving attention which means that they are pretty and desired which is one of the perceived ultimate goals of girlhood.

It’s hard looking back as an adult woman and realizing the things I tolerated back then that were both sexist and racist or “sacist” as I like to call. That term sounds even more properly malicious and Black Girls experience both at the same time very often.

If I could go back to every moment someone did this to me I would grab their wrist and push back and say, “Hey! I’m not your pet! I am a human being! Respect my space. I don’t go reaching out and touching you without permission because you’re not an animal and neither am I!”

But I cannot go back. I can only move forward. Hopefully in the future I do not get hair assaulted but knowing how people are it would probably happen again. I know that there are people who do it out of ignorance, but c’mon, if it happened to them, which it rarely does because their straight hair is considered “normal” hair, then they would be terribly offended.

Some of it is disguised as admiration. Some people ogle and stare because they see that kind of hair as majestic and unique. There is no problem in admiring someone else’s appearance but I would hope that the majority of the population knows in their head that staring is and always will be rude and is a visual violation of other people’s space and bodies.

Going on and on verbally about how “alien” afro textured hair is isn’t really a compliment. Yes it’s different, but consider that your “different” is our “normal.”

We are BORN with kinky hair, growing out of the roots of our scalp and it is usually abnormal for us to wake up with straight hair. Sure there are variations and many Black people have mixed heritage but in general, most of us grow up with thick, bushy, afro textured hair or tight coils and kinks.

Our hair ought to be respected and I just wish, in my youth, I had been more assertive about protecting and demanding respect for it.

Because at this point, I REALLY have a low tolerance for hair assault.

I actually LOVE to have my hair touched, but ONLY when asked permission first. I have no problem letting people touch my hair, of course, with CLEAN hands only and no lingering please, then it just gets weird.