-this blog will be finished on a later date
I have been wanting to tackle this issue for some time now. I have many varying feelings on this loaded topic, but I will leave a few down here below.
I have been bothered by the toxic messages that the church has permeated about marriage and relationships for many years.
What I am about to say would probably infuriate some people but I think that it is very important to speak my mind.
The first thing that bothers me is how marriage is elevated in society and religion as the ultimate goal, epitome of happiness and accomplishment for women. If marriage takes two people to complete, how will that goal ever be reached if societally it is stigmatized as the end of freedom for men? The double standard would make it very hard to get people to come together without obligation.
Marriage doesn’t automatically equal happiness and it is sold and marketed to us through society to feed capitalism as well as shoved down women’s throats so that they can be owned by men, nonetheless after men have had all of their sexual fun prior while we’re expected to stay chase.
Hell to the naw!
Sexually I am not in support of people period, men, women or non-binary people sleeping with every single body they desire, unprotected and without selectivity because in a health defense in the least, it is dangerous to be that free.
Even protected I do not agree that the ability to have casual sex is something that every individual is able to have simply because our attachment is a mental concept that can be broken. Sex is intimate, perhaps not for everyone, but chemical reactions do release during the act and so it is untrue to say no exchange is occurring. For many women, emotionally sex affects us deeply.
I will not nor cannot speak for every woman but I have witnessed many girls emotionally being destroyed not by sex itself but having had sex with someone for whom it did not mean the same thing.
This is not to say that men do not get hurt by sex or that men do not form emotional attachment, it’s just that there are tendencies among men to be able to walk away from sex and move on to the next one without been harmed in a deep emotional sense. All of these points can be argued. Isn’t it also a drug like coping mechanism to go from body to body to try to get over a girl who has broken one’s heart?
I don’t really want to argue about who is more emotionally scarred from sex than the other because some people will argue that’s all due to what society tells us to think. Until an experiment can be conducted with individuals not raised with those beliefs I think it would be very hard to ascertain if it’s simply society or inherent.
Still there are so many problems that we have in this world that marriage cannot fix. Marriage for one thing, does not complete an individual contrary to what we are told. If someone enters a marriage broken or un-whole, that other person cannot fix you or give you the self esteem and confidence you need to fully know yourself. Too many married people become dependents on one another.
I think too many people in general marry too early. People should wait to fully know themselves before marriage. Some people might argue that one they would like to take the journey to getting to know themselves and growing together. Me personally, I would like to enter a marriage fully aware so I don’t have any surprises. Sure, we’ll both change but there is a major difference between 16 year old me and 26 year old me. Someone who fell in love with teenage me, probably would not even recognize adult me.
Marriage doesn’t prevent STD’s, cheating or abuse. This is one of those cold, hard truths. Marriage is not an automatic happily ever after. This is one of the reasons that religious folk hold in high regard the fact that God must be involved in a marriage, that it is not simply the union of two people, but a godly marriage involves three entities: the two people and God in the center.
Having God in the center doesn’t mean that mistakes won’t happen or partners aren’t going to hurt one another from time to time, but it means that, above all else, mercy, forgiveness, and consultation with the most high is at the fore front and foundation of a relationship.
It means that the exploration and dedication to unconditional love will be a priority. At least it ought to be if someone is in a godly marriage. I don’t want anyone to mistake however that unconditional love does not mean if someone is abused, they are required to stay with that abusive partner.
Unconditional love can be done away from someone. It can be done towards strangers. It can be done towards people who are enemies and hateful. I have always struggled very much with the concept and action of unconditional love but one can have it and still set healthy boundaries of respect.
My father always told me, “One hit, that’s it!” and he drilled that into my head. However abuse is not always physical and I think we really miss the mark on that when we educate people about what abuse looks like.
Point 2: Everyone does not want to get married, and that’s ok. I actually identify as one of these people. I am not against marriage. I think marriage can be a wonderful thing, however I am against making it an arbitrary goal just because. If I get married, because marriage is an option, I want it to be at the right time with the right person for the right reasons.
I do not want to get married simply out of obligation. That’s one theory I have one why so many people have gotten divorced. How many people married for love? How many people married because they had to because someone became pregnant and could not live through the societal shame? How many women got married because society told them every day since they were a little girl that was the ultimate goal and happiness?
I don’t even understand the concept of “settling down.” Why? Life is short. Why would I want to ever settle down? Sure, I am 26, and maybe, just maybe I might feel differently when I get older, but for most my life, I have been pretty alternative when it comes to what the masses want and I highly doubt I could ever be satisfied in a marriage.
Most people bore me, and I find most people to be basic lemmings and uninteresting. Too many people are afraid to be their authentic selves. I could never live let alone marry someone like that.
Whomever I marry would have to be someone extraordinary like myself. Even then, I can’t guarantee that they could keep my attention for very long because I am a go getter and I spend a lot of time trying to achieve things.
I have many big plans for my life and I do not want to be held back by having a family to support and raise. Sure family can be supportive too and it is hard to do things by oneself but I do not want to be at home raising children or cooking for my spouse.
I want to be out in the world living life, exploring, visiting different countries, learning different languages. Youth doesn’t forever and I intent to spend the rest of mine seeing the world and no matter what anyone thinks, I do not think I’ll ever regret that choice. So many women have said to me that they wish they were in my shoes, doing what I am doing. I am 26 and I have already traveled to 3 different countries, one being on the other side of the globe!
Sure, why couldn’t an individual do these things and still be married and have kids? They could but it would be more difficult to do so. At the same time, there is just something about being alone that is incredibly freeing. When you are with someone else, be it a spouse, family relative or friend, one has to think of their needs and want and compromise.
If I am in Beijing, China for example I don’t want to be held back by going wherever someone else wants to go or not getting to go where I want to go because the other person doesn’t want to.
I have experienced bad relationships and I am very averse from being told what to do by anyone. I follow the rules because there are consequences and I do not like conflict but for the most part, I have a rebellious spirit at my core.
Without consequences, I would break a lot more rules than people realize and not arbitrarily but with purpose. Some rules are just not right and some rules are just plain stupid too.